Shut Down:

I have had a few things on my mind these past few days and discussing them with some of those things with family within my home, has helped. However it is hard for me to figure out if I am asking Our Father for help because things aren’t going the way that I was praying for, because he is trying to tell me that it time for me. Or isn’t it just not going my way because I have let him take the drivers seat and then taken it back and not willing to wait.
To bring you up to speed I have been through this numerous time throughout my life where, I wouldn’t talk to God unless I was stuck and needed help with something.
For instance, I don’t know how many of you are or have mechanics that you can or have talked to where they have been stuck with trying to find that one small bolt that has fallen into the engine and once found it couldn’t reach it. Or had to work on a hot engine changing a thermostat in the middle of winter, just trying to find a way to do this without burning yourself, it’s not easy. There has even been many times I have even had to go in blind just to be able reassemble a part, contort my arms and hold the bolts in a different position within my fingers just to be able to finish the job. I am an old school light-duty mechanic, I don’t have all the extra certificates or high tech tools let alone a mechanics garage, so all my car repairs are done outside or in my house attached garage.
It’s times like that, I go to the Lord and ask for help but when things are so easy like putting a Christmas Dinner for a family of eight, sure it is tiring, and after it is done I go to bed without eating, but I don’t Thank God for the that he gave me for the ability to prepare this meal, along with my other helper(s) whoever it may be.

I enjoy working on cars and I do give God credit for giving me the ability to fix the things that I can fix, the problem is, I don’t give Him Thanks enough after the jobs are done, and when things go array, that’s when I ask for help. So many times I began to question my faith “and I used a small f because” I wonder if the Faith is there or if I it may just be that I am going on what I want and not what God feels is right for me.

I recently received my drivers license back after fifteen years due to medical complications and now the issue is no vehicle. I would also like to return to work however most jobs require reliable transportation, and jobs don’t consider public transportation as reliable. Another issue is because I have been out of work for fifteen years and the medical issues alot of companies don’t like to hire due to the insurance risk. So I am having an issue with that. I have even received a call about CDL training something that has ran through my dads’ side of the family. The only thing that has stopped me on that was there was no available training positions open in my area code.

As I sat here and pondered on that thought, I talked it over with my wife and it became apparent that I did pass the physical because of a heart related issue, where when I sleep my heart rate slows down to the point where it pretty much stops more than everyone else and when it restarts I jump a few inches, there were a few times as I described to the doctor that I thought my wife was hitting me in the chest as she rolled over when we were sleeping not realizing it was my own heart giving itself an electric shock to restart. Described to me by the Cardiologist that every ones heart rate slows down and maybe even stops atleast a max eleven times per hour whereas mine slows down up to between seventeen and twenty times per hour. Back to the point of talking about the CDL, I told my wife it would be nice however, if I was going to have my heart give out I would rather have it go at home not some hundred to thousands of miles away, which is what happened to my dad when he had his heart attack when he was driving, the one that almost took him the first time, he was driving local to Chicago and home however while he was in the docks waiting to leave he had an attack which left him in Chicago for a few weeks. The difference between my dad and myself is he is older diabetic, heavier and all the other factors that tie in for a heart attack waiting to happen.
Where as myself I am mid forties and other than the two brain surgeries, lower back problems, I don’t show any of the major sign that would cause heart attacks.
As for why my heart is in so much disarray I am confused, the doctors are all saying that it is because my chest cavity is to small for my body but I don’t see how that would effect my heart.
More to come in my next post.

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