No Matter how hard you try continue with your life as if tomorrow wouldn’t be. Forget about the past, live for the future.
I have had a few things on my mind these past few days and discussing them with some of those things with family within my home, has helped. However it is hard for me to figure out if I am asking Our Father for help because things aren’t going the way that I was praying for, because he is trying to tell me that it time for me. Or isn’t it just not going my way because I have let him take the drivers seat and then taken it back and not willing to wait.
To bring you up to speed I have been through this numerous time throughout my life where, I wouldn’t talk to God unless I was stuck and needed help with something.
For instance, I don’t know how many of you are or have mechanics that you can or have talked to where they have been stuck with trying to find that one small bolt that has fallen into the engine and once found it couldn’t reach it. Or had to work on a hot engine changing a thermostat in the middle of winter, just trying to find a way to do this without burning yourself, it’s not easy. There has even been many times I have even had to go in blind just to be able reassemble a part, contort my arms and hold the bolts in a different position within my fingers just to be able to finish the job. I am an old school light-duty mechanic, I don’t have all the extra certificates or high tech tools let alone a mechanics garage, so all my car repairs are done outside or in my house attached garage.
It’s times like that, I go to the Lord and ask for help but when things are so easy like putting a Christmas Dinner for a family of eight, sure it is tiring, and after it is done I go to bed without eating, but I don’t Thank God for the that he gave me for the ability to prepare this meal, along with my other helper(s) whoever it may be.
I enjoy working on cars and I do give God credit for giving me the ability to fix the things that I can fix, the problem is, I don’t give Him Thanks enough after the jobs are done, and when things go array, that’s when I ask for help. So many times I began to question my faith “and I used a small f because” I wonder if the Faith is there or if I it may just be that I am going on what I want and not what God feels is right for me.
I recently received my drivers license back after fifteen years due to medical complications and now the issue is no vehicle. I would also like to return to work however most jobs require reliable transportation, and jobs don’t consider public transportation as reliable. Another issue is because I have been out of work for fifteen years and the medical issues alot of companies don’t like to hire due to the insurance risk. So I am having an issue with that. I have even received a call about CDL training something that has ran through my dads’ side of the family. The only thing that has stopped me on that was there was no available training positions open in my area code.
As I sat here and pondered on that thought, I talked it over with my wife and it became apparent that I did pass the physical because of a heart related issue, where when I sleep my heart rate slows down to the point where it pretty much stops more than everyone else and when it restarts I jump a few inches, there were a few times as I described to the doctor that I thought my wife was hitting me in the chest as she rolled over when we were sleeping not realizing it was my own heart giving itself an electric shock to restart. Described to me by the Cardiologist that every ones heart rate slows down and maybe even stops atleast a max eleven times per hour whereas mine slows down up to between seventeen and twenty times per hour. Back to the point of talking about the CDL, I told my wife it would be nice however, if I was going to have my heart give out I would rather have it go at home not some hundred to thousands of miles away, which is what happened to my dad when he had his heart attack when he was driving, the one that almost took him the first time, he was driving local to Chicago and home however while he was in the docks waiting to leave he had an attack which left him in Chicago for a few weeks. The difference between my dad and myself is he is older diabetic, heavier and all the other factors that tie in for a heart attack waiting to happen.
Where as myself I am mid forties and other than the two brain surgeries, lower back problems, I don’t show any of the major sign that would cause heart attacks.
As for why my heart is in so much disarray I am confused, the doctors are all saying that it is because my chest cavity is to small for my body but I don’t see how that would effect my heart.
More to come in my next post.
As I return to blogging after the in ability to find the words to say.
The first post I came across was a post about how people didn’t listen from the beginning of time instead they wait until things have gotten to the point of damage, and how people don’t want to get involved until it’s to that point, where it is hard for a person to change and let God take the Drivers Seat. The ability for a person to do this is so hard that it is almost impossible.
Gods plan for everyone is to allow problems to come into their lives the problem is people have top be ready for them, how to deal with them, and ultimately remind people that the devil is looking for souls to consume before that person can see him coming and counter attack with the knowledge of Gods Word. Even though I say this I have been through some of the roughest of life, and it not only has given me the inability to allow others to penetrate. and soften my soul even God himself. I will not allow the devil to attack my soul without a fight.
Reminds me of trying to give your Children advice before they reach adulthood, before it’s too late. They run into trouble then look at you and say, ” I should have listened to you, I wouldn’t be in this mess now. But as a parent all you can do is say we’ll help you out this time and hopefully you learned from your mistake.
I am one of those people who has a big problem.
Allowing others to take control of my life is extremely hard for me.
As I grew up, there was many situations that had a major part in this inability of allowing this situation.
1. As I was a child I would go to church on Sunday morning leaving an hour early, just to make sure I wasn’t home when my biological father got home because I always got physical beat for reasons that was not my fault. Due to this, I was put in numerous foster homes, causing mixed emotions and a messed up outlook about God, due to if the foster parents did go to church not one of them went to the same denomination causing confusion because of the different aspects and the way they taught the Word of God.
Then as I got older and began going to church on my own with my second wife, it got to the point where it was again as I felt being forced on me because she wanted to go twice on Sunday, and again on Wednesday, all this was after becoming a member of the church we were going to. While going to this church after becoming a member we received a box of envelopes with a member ID number. Even though we didn’t put our Tithe in the envelopes we still Tithed.
Now within about six months we received a letter letting us know that we were being dropped from membership. That’s when I figured out that they had looked at us as just a number not as a person with a name but a number because we didn’t use the envelopes provided for our Tithe.
Then the second Church we became members to we were fine until it came to the point where we then moved to our current location. Due to my wife’s health and myself being unable to drive, we had been unable to attend on a regular basis as well. Now with this church being a very small one they were able to tell if we were there or not. Due to the fact we also had a couple parishioners that had to pass our house I had called them to see if one of them could stop by and pick me up on their way through. Well of course soon we received another letter from this church stating that we were being dropped from membership not because we weren’t Tithing but because they felt that remolding our home was more important then attending church.
Back to the main subject:
As I sat here earlier talking to my son another fellow blogger we were talking about the same things I had just mentioned her in the post as the conversation started with the same subject that this post started. Allowing God to take the driver seat. I have had this talk with him on numerous occasions, and in some ways he understands my point, but he still talks to my about allowing God to break this brick wall that has built up around my heart due to all the turmoil that I have gone through as a child.
Many times I can feel the pain of not allowing God to take the control of my life, however it seems that once I start to allow Him to take control something bad happens, which makes me take back the drivers seat. I know it disturbs him, and me as well because sometimes we spend up to a half hour discussing things like this and then, the same thing happens all over again where we end up having the same conversation a few days later. Even though we are having this discussion on at least a monthly basis, I know what he went through as a child so it not only helps me to talk to him but myself. It also help him to talk to me. In a way it is a win win situation for the both of us until, something happens. My problem is when something goes wrong I look at it as God had a reason, not that I might have been the cause for that, such as I didn’t listen and let God take control of the drivers seat.
A recent post written by my son, describes about how the pain of harsh words can hurt and even penetrate a invisible brick wall that surrounds a persons heart that has been dealt many blows that one feels they can’t take much more so their only protection is not to get close to anyone.
Some people say telling others how you feel can really help. I found it to be helpful sometimes, if you talk to the right person, someone who has been through some of the the same things that you have, However sometimes the person you thought was the right person, turns out to be one that will throw a painful word.
I have many areas of pain and the difficulty in dealing with the hurt.
1. Parents, Grandparents: the ultimate pain. There is nothing worse than having a parent Grandparent throw a painful word, short of being shot. I have had it come from both parent and grandparent
Words from siblings (same parents) 10 because they know most of what you went through.
2. Words from siblings ( atleast one different parent) 7.5 the reason for this rating is because they may know some of it but they may have not been told everything, or in my families case, things get added, twisted things that were in there to one was removed when told to the next.
I can continue but I think you get the point
Friends know your situation but will use it when they are mad at you.
Then you have a total stranger, who doesn’t know you from Adam or Eve, comes by and throws a painful blow.
Damn that’s a hard one.
First consider at what point is (s)he talking about is it present,
How far back does this come from and who all knew about it.
If you realize it came from awhile ago then you may want to try to remember if you do know this person, if not then someone you know has ties with them and that is where the source lies. So yes the hurt is there not only because this person just now threw this blow but you also have a more painful heartbreak with the person that they have ties with.
Look at it this way
Have you ever taken a hammer and while trying to hang a picture, hit your thumb are finger. Ouch right That would be a stranger throwing the words, then you say okay forget it I don’t know this person, however this person throws out something that this person shouldn’t know because you don’t know them. Ouch hit the thumb or finger AGAIN.
Because now you know that they heard it from someone that you know. Sooner or later that finger or thumb is going to get broke.
As for me I refer to that type of pain as physical working pain. It happens all the time.
For me my Pain resulted in years of walls being built up so high that I thought there was no way any harsh word could penetrate. But each and everytime I thought I was safe to allow myself to become vulnerable, something would happen to the point where I would just repair the wall that I had just tore down. Just to start all over again in a few months.
I really should be used to it after 44 years, I still get it and it will continue to come my way as it will to any of you. It is how you handle the situation when it hits you.
As I try to start a new life preferably without my seizure disorder, do to another brain surgery on 12-16-2015. I am very hopeful that this one will work better than the one I had on 7-8-2008.
I stayed home for quite awhile after the first surgery although I didn’t take it is easy as the doctors had told me. After the second I stayed home a few days not venturing to far from home when I did go out but again when I was home, I was in bed a lot more. Which I really couldn’t stand. I was always on the go whether it was cleaning, walking, sitting at the table, but this time I was stuck in bed, not that I wanted too!
Now I still sleep a lot however I go out more and further distances. I have frequent headaches which can sometimes last for days , and not one pain pill will help I go to sleep with them and wake up to them. But that is all part of the surgery, the part I’ll have to deal with. It has now been four months and nothing but one partial complex, which will hinder a couple of things for me but life will have to start over again.
So begins a new day, in the same way. When life throws a curve, don’t swerve
To many people have swerved do to curves and lost there lives not just the physical aspect, but also the mental and emotional part of life as well. Many people look at life as a one way, that once you have been there you can’t go back. ” That is true”. However if you look at the wider scope if you didn’t learn from the first experience, you will end up back there. Life is full of trials and errors. The best way to learn is to have a mentor, however not everyone has a mentor, or someone to teach them. So therefore trial and error comes into place. Everyone has done it, mistakes will be made. It is by mistakes that we learn. My life has to be reset like a computer, I always had and still have a slim chance of change, for instance I have posted a lot about a aunt that I dearly love, and know I find someone has been hiding things from me about her health. So did I make a mistake by letting my wall down again. I hope not. I do know that even though I am hurt by this, I can’t say who is hiding it, because I don’t know. So many things rush through my head at this point as I try to get these thoughts together, it is hard to concentrate on one long enough to get things straight.
There is nothing worse than mixing one situation with another or one day with another, especially when it is something that has happened within the last two days, which has been happening. Now as I returned from a walk, I realized that this is one of those mistakes that apparently I apparently need to work on still.
Spending a lot of time at my dads up north can have a maximum impact on ones ability to think about priorities. Talking to a person that has been through a lot more, and has more knowledge. Sometimes he would unknowingly give me knowledge that he has that I may need later in life. Most of my knowledge I have to accredit towards my own life experiences, there are some however my dad has given me. However if some one stops to look at ones life, many of the trials they come across in life they are put in for a reason. Many of the answers are sometimes, they put themselves in those spots other times they don’t, either way their best defense is to have the most and best knowledge to confront their conflicts. To decide whether to deal with this or to let this one go.
The answer is there making the right decision is the problem, following through with the decision with the right decision mat be even harder because it may not be the easiest.
2. Walking away
Some people would like to think that fighting would be easier than 1, 2, or 3 and they are right it would be easier but the consequences are more diverse and damaging.
As our family gets smaller and smaller, we take for granted what we have now. So when a family gathering comes along, the word is sent out to all. Those who show up do and those who don’t well there is many reasons why they were unable to make it. Some can’t because they have to work, distances, some can’t make it because of medical and yet others don’t come because they just don’t hang around with the family.
Due to the numerous factors in play, when our gatherings or get togethers come upon us which are speradic at most, the more people show up the better, however it has been noticed that with the latest gatherings less and less people show up.
There are a lot of situations which I would rather not disclose, as to some off the reasons, for the no shows for some members. In some cases there is a lot of things that could be settled through just a calm talk with the members involved, however difficult some of the smaller problems could be, for that matter the larger ones those I chose not to disclose can be taken care of in time. Good things come to those that wait. Put your anger aside for just a few hours and come together as a family while you have the time, some things might not happen again with those who are here now. The next time a gathering is put togethering is put together it could be at a funeral of anyone young or old. It could be the last person you would expect to go. The last gathering other thenFourth of July which again didn’t have many people show as well, was the passing of my youngest brother. It doesn’t matter who it is, When it got to the point of my wife and I almost didn’t make it up for the Labor Day family gathering, I had told my wife there may be a reason for it, however on the other hand I just pray it isn’t the last familyy gathering that I didn’t get to, before my father passed. Needless to say my wife and I was able to make it up here.
Many times our family gatherings used to be full of family but as we get older people start to pass whether age has taken it’s toll or accidents take a life and problems arise amongst members they become smaller and smaller. some of these problems are so small that can be dealt with by just a Two simple words. I’m Sorry. I have had too say them to numerous people, but there are some that just can’t bring themselves to say those two words. For a long time I had that problem becasue I felt I shouldn’t have to and sometimes I did just to deal with the situation and disolve the minute fight, other times after looking and contemplating over the situation I found that it was my fault or even if I did have a part in it I knew It was up to me to initiate the apology in order for the fight to disolve way before it got to the point that it did. Now as for my point of view, because there are many family members that can read this post we have any unsolved issues please bring them to me in a private manner say we can deal with them. I do not like dealing with issues hidden behind a wire so If I am able to talk to you face to face we will deal with this in a civil manner. If distance is a problem. Then we will have to discuss via other means, which will be figured out at that time.
This story comes from a post written by a fellow blogger who has battled with a very disturbing disorder that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It is one that runs through both sides of my family, Had a cousin that has died from one and a couple of friends who have them also a friend who had died from one as well.
Believe you me. After many neurologists and different types of medications and the adjustments in dosages, with seizures in between that came in between the changes it is an ongoing battle. The worse balle are the ones that are called Ghost seizres
Seizure Disorder :
When I was about Eight years old playing dodge ball we where called by numbers to come off the line to take place on the field. My number was called, and I didn’t respond until the ball was only close enough to be able to block the ball with my arms from hitting my face. However I wasn’t diagnosed with the disorder at that time. It wasn’t until I was thirteen that I was officially diagnosed with the disorder.
At the time I was diagnosed with what the neurologist call petite mal seizures.Put on medications. These seizures left people who didn’t know me, wondering if everything was ok, because when I had one, I would go about my day as usual, but the look on my face, have a cigarette, ect, however their was a different telltale sign that would say something was wrong.
I told them
1.Yes then this way they are documented for the Social Security board.
2. When i do have to go in they are so bad that if I don’t go in those are the one that can kill a person.
Length and strength of burning or ringing of the left side and ear depended on if I had a grand mal or if it was going to be something that would last a couple seconds. Whether I just needed to lay down or get medical attention. Some say and I have even been asked by emergency personal at the hospital if I go down every time I have an attack.
July, 8 ,2008 I went in for my first Right Temporal Lobectomy at which time the doctors removed two and a half inches of dead tissue which is what was making the disorder.
As the neurologists described it the electricity the moves through the human body that indicates a person to pain, hits the brain was hitting a dead piece of tissue and because of it being dead and having no other place to move onto, it stops abruptly and causes the brain to malfunction causing the attack.
Needless to say even after all the extensive testing a pet imaging MRI’s numerous days in the EMU At the link posted. Same Hospital. Among quite a few of other test it was unsuccessful. July 11. 2008 I was back home doing the same thing I did before I went in for surgery being the same person I was before, taking care of the family, doing every thing I had prior to 7-8. Developing another disorder they 7-21 the doctors diagnosed me with Partial complex seizure, this strange disorder left me with pretty much the same as the petite mal, with a twist a burning feeling the whole left side of my body with a ringing in the left ear. The seriousness of the ringing and length of time as well as the strength of burning.
I had my first Grand Mal which wasn’t to pleasant. It started out with a serious ringing of the left ear, it continued on with a serious burning of the whole burning of the left side, I began looking in my pockets to see if I had a zippo lighter in my pocket, for the liquid leaking , that wasn’t the case so while doing that I also check to see if I had a battery in my pocket with any other metal, that wasn’t the case either. So I laid down on the bed. I went into a Grandmal seizure and ended up in the hospital for three days. From that point on ( Pardon the expression I felt like a female is the only way I could describe it, I would have Grandmal Seizures in the same order, it always happened the third week of the month. So during that time I didn’t go no place. My family knew why. Ever since I was diagnosed I wouldn’t let these grandmal seizures control my life, I would have them deal with them maybe I would be down for a day or two and get back to my normal life. Even after the events started after the first attack except for the third week of the month.
This went on until mid to late 2013 when after a lengthy discussion with my Neurologist about having another surgery. In which case t was another battery of tests starting with A stay at the EMU, MRI, PET scans A test with electrodes put directly on the brain to find the exact spot that was causing the misfiring, or dead tissue explained above. All the areas in red and yellow are areas of misfire. All though there are three the surgeons took out two. Looking at this picture on the right, there is actually two areas one smaller than the other those two are the areas that were removed the other area on the left is still there. Due to the fact that all the action was being caused and started on the left the right side had to be the cause of the disorder. . This procedure was done where they had taken and cut in the same area where they first surgery had taken place and the removal of the plate that was holding the skull together and in place had to be done in order to access the area they had to get to. During this test I was put in a metal mask looked like a cage so I didn’t pull the electrodes out of my skull. My oldest son was also there along with shift changers, students called watchers on twelve hour intervals who would also monitor, the relative was there for the simple reason that they could tell if there was a change that your relative could see before the monitor picked up you and the machine for any change in you and your monitors. I was then diagnosed with a forth kind Ghost seizures. There you have it, four different types of seizures all diagnosed within approximately one year of testing.
After a period of about 2 months on December-15-2015, I went in for my second Right Temporal Lobectomy , This time I went to U OF M in Ann Arbor, This was a little harder for family than the first because it was further away. Don’t get me wrong both surgeries were scary for all involved but I had to try something the disorder was making me depressed, I found myself waiting for the third week of the month, confining myself to the house unable to find work or drive.
Unable to go by myself because of the distance my daughter-in-law went with me this time due to others in the house had their own medical situations. She too had a few problems unbeknownst to me until a few days prior which I would have changed my surgery if needed for the sake of this situation but she pulled through with the strength of Gods’ help. So we bused to Ann Arbor . On December 16, 2015 I had my second Right Temporal Lobectomy after about five hours and a scar that looks like a messed up question
mark , made up of forty six staples,
she was able to call home and let my family know I was OK and was in recovery. By the 18th We were on our way home.
News, Good things comes to those who wait, up until now I am pleased to say that with the Grace of God I haven’t had a seizure since the eighteenth of December 2015.