Thirty one years

It has now been thirty one years since I was diagnosed with epilepsy and I am happy to say that as of 12-16-2016,  I have been seizure free. I still have a spot on the brain that is causing the partial complex seizures, and I still have to take the anti epilepsy medicine, and more than likely will for the rest of my life. However if that’s what it takes to keep this situation at bay, I’ll do whatever it takes. I am quite satisfied with the outcome of this surgery, and I would like to get back to Ann Arbor to personally Thank all the personnel who helped make at U OF M  this post  this post and day of being seizure free possible. I pray that this situation is completely over. I have returned to college and taking a course an getting a Bachelors Degree in Criminal Justice. I have a long road ahead of me, as I also try to look for a job to help pay for the continuation until I graduation which will be Feb, 2021. I give a lot of thanks for my wife and kids, although there is skepticism that I am pushing a little to much with school. I have as much faith as I did when I had both brain surgeries not so much that they will correct them because I was warned there was a chance it might not work, there was also worry that I might not make it off the table because of the seriousness of the surgery and the possible outcome that this type of surgery and consequences this type could cause. But even then I made it through two surgeries, received my drivers licences back, going back to school, and trying to get back to work. The only thing I feel is that I am putting to much pressure upon myself although I am used to it. There has been a lot of situations that has made it the wrong week to start, a few health issues with my own home some health issues outside my home the start of school and trying to find a job all at one time, I have pushed through it all. Don’t get me wrong I struggle at times but again I have pushed through a lot through out my life and I will do it again until as long as I have breath in me, I will continue. My life will stay the same.

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Drivers Seat

As I return to blogging after the in ability to find the words to say.
The first post I came across was a post about how people didn’t listen from the beginning of time instead they wait until things have gotten to the point of damage, and how people don’t want to get involved until it’s to that point, where it is hard for a person to change and let God take the Drivers Seat. The ability for a person to do this is so hard that it is almost impossible.

Drivers Seat

Gods plan for everyone is to allow problems to come into their lives the problem is people have top be ready for them, how to deal with them, and ultimately remind people that the devil is looking for souls to consume before that person can  see him coming and counter attack  with the knowledge of Gods Word. Even though I say this I have been through some of the roughest of life, and it not only has given me the inability to allow others to penetrate. and soften my soul even God himself. I will not allow the devil to attack my soul without a fight.

Reminds me of trying to give your Children advice before they reach adulthood, before it’s too late. They run into trouble then look at you and say, ” I should have listened to you, I wouldn’t be in this mess now. But as a parent all you can do is say we’ll help you out this time and hopefully you learned from your mistake.

I am one of those people who has a big problem.
Allowing others to take control of my life is extremely hard for me.
As I grew up, there was many situations that had a major part in this inability of allowing this situation.

1. As I was a child I would go to church on Sunday morning leaving an hour early, just to make sure I wasn’t home when my biological father got home because I always got physical beat for reasons that was not my fault. Due to this, I was put in numerous foster homes, causing mixed emotions and a messed up outlook about God, due to if the foster parents did go to church not one of them went to the same denomination causing confusion because of the different aspects and the way they taught the Word of God.

Then as I got older and began going to church on my own with my second wife, it got to the point where it was again as I felt being forced on me because she wanted to go twice on Sunday, and again on Wednesday, all this was after becoming a  member of the church we were going to. While going to this church after becoming a member we received a box of envelopes with a member ID number. Even though we didn’t put our Tithe in the envelopes we still Tithed.
Now within about six months we received a letter letting us know that we were being dropped from membership. That’s when I figured out that they had looked at us as just a number not as a person with a name but a number because we didn’t use the envelopes provided for our Tithe.

Then the second Church we became members to we were fine until it came to the point where we then moved to our current location. Due to my wife’s health and myself being unable to drive, we had been unable to attend on a regular basis as well. Now with this church being a very small one they were able to tell if we were there or not. Due to the fact we also had a couple parishioners that had to pass our house I had called them to see if one of them could stop by and pick me up on their way through. Well of course soon we received another letter from this church stating that we were being dropped from membership not because we weren’t Tithing but because they felt that remolding our home was more important then attending church.

Back to the main subject:
As I sat here earlier talking to my son another fellow blogger we were talking about the same things I had just mentioned her in the post as the conversation started with the same subject that this post started. Allowing God to take the driver seat. I have had this talk with him on numerous occasions, and in some ways he understands my point, but he still talks to my about allowing God to break this brick wall that has built up around my heart due to all the turmoil that I have gone through as a child.

Many times I can feel the pain of not allowing God to take the control of my life, however it seems that once I start to allow Him to take control something bad happens, which makes me take back the drivers seat. I know it disturbs him, and me as well because sometimes we spend up to a half hour discussing things like this and then, the same thing happens all over again where we end up having the same conversation a few days later. Even though we are having this discussion on at least a monthly basis, I know what he went through as a child so it not only helps me to talk to him but myself. It also help him to talk to me. In a way it is a win win situation for the both of us until, something happens. My problem is when something goes wrong I look at it as God had a reason, not that I might have been the cause for that, such as I didn’t listen and let God take control of the drivers seat.

Life Changes

As I try to start a new life preferably without my seizure disorder, do to another brain surgery on 12-16-2015. I am very hopeful that this one will work better than the one I had on 7-8-2008.

I stayed home for quite awhile after the first surgery although I didn’t take it is easy as the doctors had told me. After the second I stayed home a few days not venturing to far from home when I did go out but again when I was home, I was in bed a lot more. Which I really couldn’t stand. I was always on the go whether it was cleaning, walking, sitting at the table, but this time I was stuck in bed, not that I wanted too!

Now I still sleep a lot however I go out more and further distances. I have frequent headaches which can sometimes last for days , and not one pain pill will help I go to sleep with them and wake up to them. But that is all part of the surgery, the part I’ll have to deal with. It has now been four months  and nothing but one partial complex, which will hinder a couple of things for me but life will have to start over again.

So begins a new day, in the same way. When life throws a curve, don’t swerve
To many people have swerved do to curves and lost there lives not just the physical aspect, but also the mental and emotional part of life as well. Many people look at life as a one way, that once you have been there you can’t go back. ” That is true”. However if you look at the wider scope  if you didn’t learn from the first experience, you will end up back there. Life is full of trials and errors. The best way to learn is to have a mentor, however not everyone has a mentor, or someone to teach them. So therefore trial and error comes into place. Everyone has done it, mistakes will be made. It is by mistakes that we learn. My life has to be reset like a computer, I always had and still have a slim chance of change, for instance I have posted a lot about a aunt that I dearly love, and know I find someone has been hiding things from me about her health. So did I make a mistake by letting my wall down again. I hope not. I do know that even though I am hurt by this, I can’t say who is hiding it, because I don’t know. So many things rush through my head at this point as I try to get these thoughts together, it is hard to concentrate on one long enough to get things straight.

There is nothing worse than mixing one situation with another or one day with another, especially when it is something that has happened within the last two days, which has been happening. Now as I returned from a walk, I realized that this is one of those mistakes that apparently I apparently need to work on still.

Spending a lot of time at my dads up north can have a maximum impact on ones ability to think about priorities. Talking to a person that has been through a lot more, and has more knowledge. Sometimes he would unknowingly give me knowledge that he has that I may need later in life. Most of my knowledge I have to accredit towards my own life experiences, there are some however my dad has given me. However if some one stops to look at ones life, many of the trials they come across in life they are put in for a reason.  Many of the answers are sometimes, they put themselves in those spots other times they don’t, either way their best defense is to have the most and best knowledge to confront their conflicts. To decide whether to deal with this or to let this one go.

The answer is there making the right decision is the problem,  following through with the decision with the right decision mat be even harder because it may not be the easiest.
1. Apologizing
2. Walking away
3. Both

Some people would like to think that fighting would be easier than 1, 2, or 3 and they are right it would be easier but the consequences are more diverse and damaging.

Life History:

This story comes from a post written by a fellow blogger who has battled with a very disturbing disorder that I wouldn’t wish on anyone. It is one that runs through both sides of my family, Had a cousin that has died from  one and a couple of friends who have them also a friend who had died from one as well.
Believe you me. After many neurologists and different types of medications and the adjustments in dosages, with seizures in between that came in between the changes it is an ongoing battle. The worse balle are the ones that are called Ghost seizres

Seizure Disorder :
When I was about Eight years old playing dodge ball we where called by numbers to come off the line to take place on the field. My number was called, and I didn’t respond until the ball was only close enough to be able to block the ball with my arms from hitting my face. However I wasn’t diagnosed with the disorder  at that time. It wasn’t until I was thirteen that I was officially diagnosed with the disorder.
At the time I was diagnosed with what the neurologist call petite mal seizures.Put on medications. These seizures left people who didn’t know me, wondering if everything was ok, because when I had one, I would go about my day as usual, but the look on my face, have a cigarette, ect, however their was a different telltale sign that would say something was wrong.
I told them
1.Yes then this way they are documented for the Social Security board.
2. When i do have to go in they are so bad that if I don’t go in those are the one that can kill a person.

Length and strength of burning or ringing of the left side and ear depended on if I had a grand mal  or if it was going to be something that would last a couple seconds. Whether I just needed to lay down or get medical attention. Some say and I have even been asked by emergency personal at the hospital if I go down every time I have an attack.
July, 8 ,2008 I went in for my first Right Temporal Lobectomy at which time the doctors removed two and a half inches of dead tissue which is what was making the disorder.
As the neurologists described it the electricity the moves through the human body that indicates a person to pain, hits the brain was hitting a dead piece of tissue and because of it being dead and having no other place to move onto, it stops abruptly and causes the brain to malfunction causing the attack.

Needless to say even after all the extensive testing a pet imaging  MRI’s  numerous days in the EMU At the link posted. Same Hospital. Among quite a few of other test it was unsuccessful. July 11. 2008 I was back home doing the same thing I did before I went in for surgery being the same person I was before, taking care of the family, doing every thing I had prior to 7-8.  Developing another disorder they 7-21 the doctors diagnosed me with Partial complex seizure, this strange disorder left me with pretty much the same as the petite mal,  with a twist a burning feeling the whole  left side of my body with a ringing in the left ear. The seriousness of the ringing and length of time as well as the strength of burning.

I had my first Grand Mal which wasn’t to pleasant. It started out with a serious ringing of the left ear, it continued on with a serious  burning of the whole burning of the left side, I began looking in my pockets to see if I had a zippo lighter in my pocket, for the liquid leaking , that wasn’t the case so while doing that I also check to see if I had a battery in my pocket with any other metal, that wasn’t the case either. So I laid down on the bed.  I went into a Grandmal seizure and ended up in the hospital for three days. From that point on ( Pardon the expression I felt like a female is the only way I could describe it, I would have Grandmal Seizures in the same order, it always happened the third week of the month. So during that time I didn’t go no place. My family knew why. Ever since I was diagnosed I wouldn’t let these grandmal seizures control my life, I would have them deal with them maybe I would be down for a day or two and get back to my normal life. Even after the events started after the first attack except for the third week of the month.

This went on until mid to late 2013 when after a lengthy discussion with my Neurologist about having another surgery. In which case t was another battery of tests starting with A stay at the EMU, MRI, PET scans A test with electrodes put directly on the brain to find the exact spot that was causing the misfiring, or dead tissue explained above. All the areas in red and yellow are areas of misfire. All though there are three the surgeons took out two. Looking at this picture on the right, there is actually two areas one smaller than the other those two are the areas that were removed the other area on the left is still there. Due to the fact that all the action was being caused and started on the left the right side had to be the cause of the disorder.  . MRI electroids ! Color  This procedure was done where they had taken and cut in the same area where they first surgery had taken place and the removal of the plate that was holding the skull together and in place had to be done in order to access the area they had to get to. During this test I was put in a metal mask looked like a cage so I didn’t pull the electrodes out of my skull. My oldest son was also there along with shift changers, students called watchers on twelve hour intervals who would also monitor, the relative was there for the simple reason that they  could tell if there was a change that your relative could see before the monitor picked up  you and the machine for any change in you and your monitors. I was then diagnosed with a forth kind Ghost seizures. There you have it, four different types of seizures all diagnosed within approximately one year of testing.

After a period  of about 2 months on December-15-2015, I went in for my second Right Temporal Lobectomy , This time I went to U OF M in Ann Arbor, This was a little harder for family than the first because it was further away. Don’t get me wrong both surgeries were scary for all involved but I had to try something the disorder was making me depressed, I found myself waiting for the third week of the month, confining myself to the house unable to find work or drive.

Unable to go by myself because of the distance my daughter-in-law went with me this time due to others in the house had their own medical situations. She too had a few problems unbeknownst to me until a few days prior which  I would have changed my surgery if needed for the sake of this situation but she pulled through with the strength of Gods’ help.  So we bused to Ann Arbor . On December 16, 2015 I had my second Right Temporal Lobectomy after about five hours and a scar that looks like a messed up question
mark , made up of forty six staples,
surgical
she was able to call home and let my family know I was OK and was in recovery. By the 18th We were on our way home.

News, Good things comes to those who wait, up until now I am pleased to say that with the Grace of God I haven’t had a seizure since the eighteenth of December 2015.

Deepest Thoughts

Our world sends us into deepest thoughts, sometimes looking for answers sought.

This post , may not coincide with the link however in retrospect it does  bring  to mind a day when I decided to move out of my dads house. What he had to say, although I should have been used to his sarcasm, had cut to the bone and hurt had set in so much so that all the pain that  I had sustained through out  my childhood by him came flooding back.

When I told him I was moving out “his comment was to my now wife you have just taken away my piece of machinery.” I felt like Damaged Goods  Now as I was building up anger and rage for the words he threw out he also said to her you can deal with his drinking, seizures, a few other things that made me feel like I was the size of a pea. My wife looked at him and said fine I will.  I thought to myself and before I left I got up enough courage to tell him look you are just mad, because now I am no longer here to clean your house, fix your vehicles, do what you need done, ect and walked out. To this day I still think about it, but the day I confronted him on it, that part of the  anger and rage was gone. my wife and I have been together for now 23 years and we both have come to know that dad has gotten even more feisty with his comments and deal with it in a better aspect and outlook.scan0001

Memories:

My Son wrote a  post

Memory  Lane goes back quite a few years, being the age I am. However  Let’s go back to the year 2014 when I had received word that I was able to go for another brain surgery to correct a seizure disorder. For me it was a no brainer. I talked to my neurologist about where it was going to be. Therein lies the brainer. I  All three hospitals where a distance from home and many of my family was very nervous about the situation. However I had been through it one other time, and myself I looked at it to the point of what do I have to loose. A few more inches of dead brain tissue. I wasn’t worried about the lose of my life. I had alot of faith that I was going to make it back home, and as you can see with the guiding hand of God I am here to write this little piece of memory.

There were and are some disadvantages to that surgery, such as missing a few birthdays due to testings. Lose of some things that I should remember. Headaches that last awhile and a lovely scar shaped like a question mark on the right side of my head.

surgical

I had this surgery on Dec.16-2015 and back home with my daughter-in-law on Dec.18-2015 The best advantage of the whole surgery was the reason for the surgery, after having epilepsy for thirty one years being on medication and one prior surgery in 2008, I can say I haven’t had a seizure since. I am still on medication but at last visit to neurologist we talked about taking me off them. We’ll see what happens in December when I go back.

Live a Little

Withered Storms:

The FLIP: A story opposite of Withered Storms

Withered storms was the story of someone who deals with a troubled life, one who’s heart is surrounded by a brick wall, due to the many heart aches and failures not only because of myself but also by those who had hurt me.

That same person (myself) also has a side that has a loving family that cares and there are many that will talk to me about many different aspects of the storms and no matter how bad it may sound it is actually the most helpful advice for anyone, not necessarily what they want to hear but no one likes the truth, (because sometimes the truth can hurt).

Many times myself and a fellow blogger have come head to head about one of the storms that I have battled for years, and as we talked about the post I told him that I was able to become a little closer and brighten the cloud that surrounded that storm not all the way but it was much brighter than it had been. The question had come out was it a true break in the storm or was it a facade.

My response to this question is, As of yet “All I can say is I haven’t seen nothing to prove that it is”.

As I write this post it is getting easier to continue as the words flow continually allowing me finish another yet strange Flip.

Once there was a lot of things that I had to worry about, and maybe deep down I still do such as medical, heartaches ect, but at this point I feel no need to attack those pains. These pains feel less and less important than what lies ahead of me. Continuous work on my future with my life as someone who really needs to let go of the pain that holds the walls, of pain. Walls of pain can be broke without damaging the inner spirit, just as a piece of glass can be broke without getting cut if you know what you’re doing.

Don’t get me wrong this is just a small step and a big leap of faith towards letting my guard down. Allowing myself to be vulnerable to a number of attacks, from various directions. Vulnerability is a byproduct of humanity, someone, somewhere gets attacked  daily in one way or another how you handle it is your responsibility. Letting it attack you to the point of throwing cement in a few bricks around the heart isn’t the way to handle such vulnerability. Allowing yourself to be better and shake things off maybe even looking at the flip side of a story would help in your quest to release the emotions that has this wall holding your heart in place and allow it’s rightful owner,to hold   GOD